Friday, June 22: trigger

Today I struggled, but I identified a major trigger.  I do research for a local university and am a graduate student, defending my dissertation in a few weeks.  I do most of my work and studying from home, because I also stay home and raise our two daughters.....and summertime means that both are home full time.  I love them, but I also resent this position that I've chosen.  We keep them home until they are in school because we think that it's best for them, but it is not the fun, easy, play all the time sort of lifestyle that many think that it is.  I think that my resentment toward this choice is a mid-life reaction....as I see many of my friends traveling the world and taking on exciting challenges....and it is also a reaction to pulling myself through this past year of finishing off a dissertation and completely letting myself go...I am honestly in the worst shape and condition of my life.  I am embarrassed to go out, for my husband to be seen with me, none of my clothes fit me, and then I eat more because - honestly -

I am pretty darn depressed.  Feeling sorry for my sorry self.  Down in the dumps.  Just sick of life. 

But hey - I put myself here, and I will dig myself out.

And part of this requires that I am honest about my triggers.

So today, I was breaking up yet another fight between our girls.  The fight was something silly - like daughter A was too close to daughter B, and their elbows were touching, and they were both sure that they "owned" the space.  And once that was resolved, another fight ensued.  It has been like this all day.  Nothing surprising, as we stayed home, and when we don't stay busy, things go awry. I am fully aware, and I set myself up for failure in this situation.  I did not play things wisely, did I? 

So after fight # 3, I was nearing my breaking point, and how did I deal?  I dove for the loaf of zucchini bread.

And i ate.

And I ate.

And I felt sick.

And I ate some more.

Awesome, right?  Well, no, but seriously, it is awesome that I identified this trigger.  and now, to deal with it, I think that I need to:

1) Establish a plan for my next "break", because it's bound to happen sooner rather than later.
*like drink an entire water bottle of H20 before I can dive into the comfort food
*like separate the girls, give them books for 10 minutes, set the timer, and use it to meditate.

2) Get rid of my comfort foods.  If they're not around, I can't eat them.  Nuff said.